A few days ago I posted about my frustration with my diabetes management and my lack of motivation. Today’s post is going to expand a bit on that lack of motivation. (Yeah, another downer…sorry.)
The main reason for tightening up my diabetes control has been to take the first step toward potentially having another baby. Dr. Ophtho has given me the go-ahead, but my bloodsugars have to be stellar – as close to non-D as possible – to reduce the chances of diabetes-related complications during pregnancy and to prep that baby for an early arrival if complications do arise.
So the potential for another baby hinges on (a) my diabetes control, and (b) my eyes (i.e. my retinopathy). In spite of Dr. Ophtho’s go-ahead, there are still risks that need to be weighed in making The Decision.
I told you about part (a) on Friday, but here’s the rest of the story….part (b).
My left eye has been leaking like a faucet for over a week now. Okay, not really a faucet – more like a garden sprinkler…the gentle kind, not the “ch-ch-ch-ch-chchchchchch” kind. But any leaking is bad leaking when it comes to retinal haemorrhages.
None of the bleeds have been significant. They’re mostly just streaky and drippy. The problem is that even streaking and dripping and gentle sprinkling add up to a lot over the course of the week. Through my left eye I now see opaque streaks and dots, as well as a general haze throughout…but the worst is the big blurry blob that has settled right in my central vision.
With my right eye closed, I wouldn’t be able to drive, read, watch TV, apply makeup, or do many other of my usual day-to-day activities. With my right eye open I can, but with a lot of eye strain and significantly reduced depth perception. In the past week, I’ve tripped while taking the dog for a walk because I didn’t see a clump of snow, and I’ve completely miscalculated where on my test strip to put the drop of blood, among other one-eyed frustrations.
In the past, my retinal bleeds have always stopped and have always cleared up to a large degree (although never completely). It’s reasonable to expect the same in this case. But that doesn’t make this less frustrating.
What makes this more frustrating is that it really makes me question whether I even want to take the risk of getting pregnant again. Bleeds like this don’t change Dr. Ophtho’s stance on this – it’s proliferation that concerns him, and he feels the risk of that is quite low in my case. But do bleeds change my stance on this?
If I knew that I’d be guaranteed to always have sight in my right eye, the decision would be much easier. A person can learn to live with only one functioning eye. But I have retinopathy in both eyes, so there can never be any such guarantee for me. My right eye is in better shape than my left, but it hasn’t been haemorrhage-free either.
Anyway, now I’m in a position to be trying desperately to rein in my bloodsugars…for something that might not even happen. And this is supposed to be motivating how?
So I’m playing the waiting game again, hoping that the bleeding will stop and the mess will clear up (preferably sooner rather than later). In the meantime, I guess I’ll stick to walking carefully, practicing my one-eyed test strip aim, and trying to stay motivated (somehow)…and I’ll be enjoying one of my favourite Florence + the Machine songs with a bit more irony now.