I’m in a low place, diabetes-wise, and I’m not talking hypos. I’m talking about feeling like a diabetes failure.
This isn’t about being a diabetes failure – I know I’m not – it’s about feeling like one.
Since my husband and I are actually considering having another child, my goal has been to have super-tight control before (and after) my next endo appointment so that I can bring my A1C way down and prove to myself (and to my endo) that I am definitely prepared for the impeccable management that being pregnant would require.
I was determined. My first week was stellar – very likely the best D-week of my entire life. I was running close to non-D levels. My CDE was awed (as opposed to “odd”, which she is not).
My second week was a D-week from hell with massive lows and highs everyday. Add to that an inaccurate CGMS sensor, which led to terribly wakeful nights – some for true lows/highs and some for false ones – and I felt miserable.
My third week was better, but bumpy. Some of the major lows from the prior week really shook me and my usual habit of over-correcting lows became all too comfortable again. Comfortable, but definitely not helpful.
My fourth week (this week) is okay, but I have zero motivation. What?! How can I have zero motivation? I was so gung-ho, and now after less than a month I have no motivation?!
It really doesn’t help that my sensors aren’t always reliable, because then I get scared of night-time lows (nypos). But it seems that the trap of over-correcting is the big problem. Now if I even see a hint of a hypo I’m ingesting a small feast! Totally unnecessary!
The other issue is food. I’ve generally been really good at avoiding the foods I know cause spikes. The entire 2010 year was a testament to my success with this! But these past two weeks have been a disaster with respect to food restraint. I’ve been eating bread, cake, ice cream, muffins, cookies, Timbits (yeah, even Timbits). Oooooh……
To be fair, there have been a lot more opportunities for food like that this week: a dinner date with my husband, a brunch date with my husband (it was our first night away together since Baby!), my mother-in-law’s birthday dinner complete with European Celebration Cake and Breyers ice cream, two lunches out, plus a catered lunch and a celebratory ice cream sundae bar at work. Normally I don’t eat like this. Normally I don’t eat out this often. Granted, there are healthy options at restaurants, but they’re not always what I want, and a restaurant meal is a “treat” , so I want to eat what I want to! (And my scale can prove that eating what I want to is exactly what I’ve been doing!) Anyway, my point is…it’s been an unusual week.
So, other than the sensor issue, the problem is all me – it’s all my brain. I can’t get control of my fear of lows, or my “I want my bloodsugar to go up now” attitude, or my desire for baked goods….but why not? I’m usually so good at it when I put my mind to it! And now when it’s important I can’t! And if I can’t do it now, will I be able to do it while pregnant – while nauseous, during cravings, when I’m exhausted and hormonal?! Will my endo even give me the go-ahead? Should she?!
If it’s this hard now how am I going to do this right through until a baby is born? What if Dr. Endo wants 3 more months, and then it takes another 5 to get pregnant, and then 9 months pregnant….that’s a loooong time to have tight control. I’m going to burn out. I might burn out before I’m even pregnant!
Hopefully having a baby inside of me would override the mental lapses, but who knows.
I need a plan.
For now, I’m starting with the following:
Step 1: Today is my last day to “eat what I want” (this method usually works for me – I give myself a day before “shaping up”), and then the crap food is off-limits (except when legitimately needed for a low). My husband has agreed (willingly, actually) to keep the house junk-food-free to make it easier.
Step 2: I will treat hypos with 15g of carbs at a time. I will count said carbs and I will stop when I’ve reached them. I will eat more only if more is still required after the requisite 15 minutes. And if that is the case, I will eat only another 15g instead of going directly to “Forget it!”
Step 3: I will log – bloodsugars, insulin, and carbs. This tends to keep me on track, because having to write it all down is sometimes a deterrent against unnecessary or careless eating.
And hopefully writing all of this here will make me more likely to stick to it. 🙂