Scared

Something bad seems to be happening and it has me pretty scared.

I think I had a bleed in my right eye.

Until now, all of the retinal bleeding has been in the left.  For almost a year I’ve been dealing with spotty, stringy, blobby, goopy, cloudy vision in my left eye.  But not in my right.

During my pregnancy last year I had new proliferation of the blood vessels in my left eye and needed more laser treatments.  But not in my right.

Nearly every day I think about the possibility of more or bigger bleeds in my left eye and whether I’ll someday need a vitrectomy.  But not in my right.

And now I have a trickle.  A tiny trickle that looks like an eyelash in my periphery, but a trickle nonetheless.

In my right.

I’ve been suspecting it for a few weeks, actually.  I’ve been thinking I saw something, but when I tried to look directly at it, I couldn’t see it.  I kept brushing it off as a stray hair or globby mascara or something equally benign.  But in the last two days I’ve been able to get a better look at it, and it looks very much like a bleed.

It shouldn’t be bleeding, though!  It’s been stable since 2007!  (For more info on my past dealings with retinopathy, click here.) Even through my pregnancy, with the accompanying growth hormones and high blood pressure, it remained inactive.  And now my blood pressure is great, my bloodsugars are great, and I’m being so careful not to do anything to risk bleeds (e.g. no heavy lifting, no inverted yoga poses, etc.).  But that doesn’t seem to matter. 

The bleed itself is tiny.  It’s not affecting my vision in any significant way.  But that’s not the point.  The point is that my right eye was always the safe eye, and now all bets are off.  I’m frustrated.

And I’m scared.

I’m scared for what this means for my future vision – no matter how well I control my diabetes. 

I’m scared that one day I’ll be waiting for bad bleeds to clear up in both eyes at the same time – that I won’t be able to work, or drive, or take care of my child. 

I’m scared that the retinopathy won’t stabilize enough for us to have more children.

I’m scared that it’s never going to stop.

I’m scared that I’ll never see clearly again.

I’m scared.

I was scheduled for my next ophtho appointment at the end of May, but I’ve moved it up now to Monday – this coming Monday.  I’m not sure what to expect.  I’m hoping he’ll say he can’t see anything and that whatever happened was insignificant, or that it’s just a floater and not an actual bleed.  I’m hoping he’ll tell me not to worry and that everything’s still stable – that it was just some silly mistake on my part.

But I’m not holding my breath.

So, if you happen to think of me on Monday, please dedicate some prayers and/or positive energy for me, if you wouldn’t mind.  I’d really appreciate it.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Genifer on April 17, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    I’m thinking of you.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Sylvie on April 17, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Bethany
    I am sorry you have to spend a weekend in this kind of stress… I can imagine the fear and the agony in the wait. I am thinking of you and am praying for you. Sylvie

    Reply

  3. Posted by Anthill on April 18, 2010 at 3:40 am

    Hello Bethany, I have eye complications too so I know what you are seeing. I am quite FF fat and so I should look at going low carb and stay away from fat!!! I see that’s is our problem. I have been a Diabetic now for 39 Years and I have been eating the wrong foods with a sweet tooth too. I generally keep BG (Blood Glucose) quite well but then also eating the wrong foods.
    For us we should be looking at low carb in the long term. Western society has given this Beth.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Leeona on April 18, 2010 at 11:49 am

    I’ve got an eye appt monday also. So I’ll be thinking of you, too!
    Hope things go well for you.

    Reply

  5. So sorry you are dealing with this. Retinopathy sucks. Looking forward to reading your update on Monday.

    Reply

  6. Thanks for the kind words, everyone! I’ll update you after tomorrow’s appointment – but maybe only on Tuesday when I’m not seeing through dilated pupils. 🙂

    Reply

  7. Bug hugs! I’ve yet to read your update, but will soon.

    Reply

  8. Posted by Sarah on May 3, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    I too have been dealing with eye issues. I improved my A1C immensely from spring to summer of last year. When my A1C got under 7 my eyes went bezerk! I ended up with horrible macular edema in both eyes. It was so bad that I couldn’t see anything for a few weeks. I started having avastin injections in both eyes to reduce the fluid enough to have laser treatments. I was terrified about the injections but honestly they were not that bad. They made such a huge difference for me. I encourage you to consider it even though it seem horrible.

    Thank you for sharing your stories. They make me feel like someone else knows what I’m going through.

    Reply

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