Something bad seems to be happening and it has me pretty scared.
I think I had a bleed in my right eye.
Until now, all of the retinal bleeding has been in the left. For almost a year I’ve been dealing with spotty, stringy, blobby, goopy, cloudy vision in my left eye. But not in my right.
During my pregnancy last year I had new proliferation of the blood vessels in my left eye and needed more laser treatments. But not in my right.
Nearly every day I think about the possibility of more or bigger bleeds in my left eye and whether I’ll someday need a vitrectomy. But not in my right.
And now I have a trickle. A tiny trickle that looks like an eyelash in my periphery, but a trickle nonetheless.
In my right.
I’ve been suspecting it for a few weeks, actually. I’ve been thinking I saw something, but when I tried to look directly at it, I couldn’t see it. I kept brushing it off as a stray hair or globby mascara or something equally benign. But in the last two days I’ve been able to get a better look at it, and it looks very much like a bleed.
It shouldn’t be bleeding, though! It’s been stable since 2007! (For more info on my past dealings with retinopathy, click here.) Even through my pregnancy, with the accompanying growth hormones and high blood pressure, it remained inactive. And now my blood pressure is great, my bloodsugars are great, and I’m being so careful not to do anything to risk bleeds (e.g. no heavy lifting, no inverted yoga poses, etc.). But that doesn’t seem to matter.
The bleed itself is tiny. It’s not affecting my vision in any significant way. But that’s not the point. The point is that my right eye was always the safe eye, and now all bets are off. I’m frustrated.
And I’m scared.
I’m scared for what this means for my future vision – no matter how well I control my diabetes.
I’m scared that one day I’ll be waiting for bad bleeds to clear up in both eyes at the same time – that I won’t be able to work, or drive, or take care of my child.
I’m scared that the retinopathy won’t stabilize enough for us to have more children.
I’m scared that it’s never going to stop.
I’m scared that I’ll never see clearly again.
I was scheduled for my next ophtho appointment at the end of May, but I’ve moved it up now to Monday – this coming Monday. I’m not sure what to expect. I’m hoping he’ll say he can’t see anything and that whatever happened was insignificant, or that it’s just a floater and not an actual bleed. I’m hoping he’ll tell me not to worry and that everything’s still stable – that it was just some silly mistake on my part.
But I’m not holding my breath.
So, if you happen to think of me on Monday, please dedicate some prayers and/or positive energy for me, if you wouldn’t mind. I’d really appreciate it.