A Poem

I’m starting to worry that I’m on the verge of another retinal bleed. 

Last time I had a (relatively) major one, it started in the bottom of my eye.  I could see the dark ooziness in my lower periphery every now and then until it finally let loose and poured upwards into my vision.  The whole process lasted a few days.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been having lots of spotting in my eye – tiny dots that come and go within a few hours, but that tend to indicate that a bigger bleed is on the way.  So the dark goopy development in my periphery is only serving to worry me more.

Anyway, instead of posting more about my feeling of impending retinal doom, I thought I’d post a poem that I wrote in the earlier stages of my retinopathy.  I don’t write much poetry (so don’t expect a lot of it in this blog) but this one was written as part of my process of acceptance when I needed laser treatments for the first time.  It was difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that the laser treatments would be damaging my eye and certain aspects of my vision (e.g. peripheral vision, night vision, etc.) and “killing” parts of my retina in order to save my overall vision. 

Here it is…

Healing light
Bringing pain, destroying me.
Killing what I want
To save what I need
Giving me darkness
To keep me from blindness
I love and hate you
Murderous savior
Burn me and let me see
Scar me to protect me
Heal me
Heal me
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4 responses to this post.

  1. well articulated, and hope things go good for you

    Reply

  2. Posted by Sylvie on April 12, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Oh Bethany…how that would be stressful. I have had a LOT of laser treatments on my eyes in my early twenties (doctors often refer to my retina as a railroad station, with tons of “railroads”). I have been lucky that since then I have not had to have more laser, but I often have what I call “floaters” and I have the beginnings of a cataract (although that has remained stable for years now too). So I can only imagine your stress and worry…. and all I can say is: I am thinking of you. Let us know how things go.

    Reply

  3. Thanks guys!

    Reply

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